My Honor: “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know"

These are my thoughts so far on what you share about yourself, where and when you share at this point in my life.  I am sure they will be revised, reviewed and re-integrated as the years move along.  Unfortunately, I hope that is not out of the fear of appearing to be the “most unstable person” you will have the privilege of meeting. 

When you put on a mask, compose yourself always as if you have your “shit” together, and in general share nothing about your true self- you deny me and others of seeing Christ work.  Suppose you are a Christian who does not have many close Christian friends: for whatever reason, be it that you are a new Christian, be it that you are not a pleasant person to be around, be it that you have social anxieties, be it that your particular age group has already married or started a family, or be it that it just hasn’t worked out that way since college or high school…. Whatever the reason may be, safe it to say, there may be many people out there in this world that feel the same way. 

Before I was a Christian I used to see this Christian world as a place where everybody did right (or so it appeared), where everybody had great social skills (at least if they were at a “Christian” event), where no one had doubts or struggles that I could even imagine identifying with, where the Christians that you did know the secrets of were hypocrites for the way they acted around other Christians, or where they believed they were so much more in the know that they were the only ones who truly knew how to be good people.  I was told that I did not really know how to love because I was not a Christian (something I do grasp now but at the time was completely horrified by).  I was told that my behavior, not believing in Christ, was an act of rebellion; therefore every thought, insecurity, doubt, belief, or character trait was wrong and ultimately evil.  I cannot tell you how lonely and scarred that will make someone feel who is earnestly trying to find the truth and who God has not yet decided to open His wonderful truth to.  The South is particularly charming in the way that both those in and outside the church strive to display a culture of perfect behavior, conversation, perfectly honed dress and appearances.

Ever since I became a Christian I was so excited to have found the Truth!  I could not believe it.  I had found truth, something I had an incredible longing for and something I could not find easily in the culture, church and people around me.  I had finally been shown the truth of what would inevitably become the only thing that would get me from day to day.  The truth is beautiful, scary, uncomfortable at times, and full of glory. 

When I became a Christian I knew nothing of the church, its community, Christian friends, bible studies and small groups.  These ideas and the things that went on at them were completely foreign to me.  I cannot say that I didn’t already start off as being quite a unique individual as far as the world was concerned.  I was ecstatic about finding the truth, hearing more or it, studying it and becoming closer to it.  I decided to go in with both feet and ask for prayers for the true things that really needed prayer, I decided to push myself to talk about the things that were real struggles with real pain and real (maybe too raw at times) emotions and failures.  This I had not seen before in the Christian world but I knew that it must be the way to really grow in Christ, allow others to see Christ work in you, allow others to see Christ work through their prayers in your life, reach other people who may be too scared to say they struggle with the same thing and too alone to know that they aren’t the only ones who are fighting this battle called life.  This battle, it has real enemies, and they are horrible.  This battle, in which God is bigger than it all and is pleased and glorified to show His work in your life. 

I did this because I love the truth.  I spoke out because I love the truth.  I spoke out because I never wanted any newly Christian person or person that doesn’t have a lot of support or Christian friends to ever doubt themselves as Christians or good people because they only saw these amazing Christians that seemed to have their “shit” together.  I spoke out because I know the power of prayer and that God gets the opportunity to be glorified.  I do get scared.  I sometimes get hurt.  I have sacrificed many times over what people think of me and influenced whether people wanted to spend substantial time around me by this.  I hope this has not been in vain.  I used to believe that God would use me to open people up, help those who hid their pain in secret, show people that you can be as honest as you want and it will not tarnish God’s truth.  You can display your imperfections, doubts, failures, fears and your innermost longings and allow others to be a part of and to see the glory of God work.  I used to feel that people had a fear of sharing because of shame, fear of alienation from others, fear of looking like the person that doesn’t have it all together, fear that God would not be glorified if you told the truth, fear that God would look small and distant if you told the truth of your struggles and circumstances.  I thought this because at times, I have these same fears.  I push through them, maybe for illogical reasoning, I don’t quite know yet because God WILL be glorified and I believe the sharing will comfort someone who is hurting in the same ways or with the same struggles.  I never want one of my non-Christian friends to finally give the church a shot never to come across a “real” Christian (or one willing to take down the mask to reveal they are a real Christian).  I never want that new Christian to feel completely alone in their faith or there church community because of the lack of depth offered by the people around them.  I never want that new (or hell, old even) Christian to feel that they aren’t really a Christian because they feel they struggle with something or have done something that a real Christian would never do.

Anyway, I am more than hear thoughts and feedback by those who know me and those who may not.  Truly, deep down inside I fight incredible insecurities.  Unfortunately, some have developed because I have fought to share the truth because I really believe that is what God has called me to do.  I have been encouraged to stay the course and continue fighting for the truth and the openness of myself as a Christian by people from different groups from different areas of the country.  I admit though that many times I feel really lonely and insecure.  I attribute this to the title I know must be written across my crown “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know.”  Sometimes I delight in this because I know that it is clear to others that I would be nowhere without Christ, other times it causes me pain because I think that people (especially Christian men) choose not to have close contact with or consider me as a possible mate because of the things I share.  The problem I see as I assess what I believe God has called me to be is that because of the pain or loneliness on a human level that results from my sharing, I wonder if my insecurities are just an attack from Satan or if I am only serving to make myself appear completely unstable in relation to others without it doing any good for the church or other Christians.

I always thought my mission field would be outside the church with the people I could relate to, with my old friends and loved ones who were lost.  I never believed in a million years it would be within the church: to open up doors, break down barriers and push so that Christians can feel that the church is a place where they can be themselves and share/ask for prayer for real issues.  Either Satan is attacking me because he knows I am opening up a door in others that will bring much Christian growth and glorify God or I am a fool and have focused on something unimportant with the end result of being the village idiot having shared my true heart. 

I still think some see me as the village idiot but I do believe that others are encouraged to open up more and give their community the chance to see God glorified through them.  If you don’t show others the bad, how can God get the glory for when he works in your heart or changes your situation?  Are we taking opportunities from God to be glorified the more we try to maintain the façade of having it all together?  Are we taking a beautiful witness from our Christian community of growth so we can appear to already have achieved that place of complete sanctification? Do we rob him of the level of glory if our mask has hidden so much that when God works, no one sees it?

have no idea what to do when you get the worst news you can about an old friend

have no idea what to do, where to go, or how hard to try and act ok when you get the worst news you can about an old friend that was with you through some of the toughest years of life. i should not have waited so long to seriously attempt getting back in touch. i had a hope I wanted to share with him, one that changed the course and meaning of my life tremendously. the only reason i share this is bc i never thought that time would never come. time is not a guarantee. so please find the friends of your past that you wonder of and miss from time to time instead of thinking that there will be a day or time for it in the future...

Blacking Out While Telling Your Testimony

Today in Sunday School we had the privileged of hearing the incredible ways God has loved and directed certain people in our church.  My heart has a longing and hunger to know everyone's story.  God is so great. The time was so encouraging and definitely a great way of glorifying God.  When I get ready in the morning for work God gratefully calls to mind the first catechism question.  I think, "What is the chief end of man?"  And then I tell myself "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  I am eternally grateful that God puts these thoughts in my mind, because it encourages me that He is changing my heart. 

I was reading our "Words of Assurance" in the bulletin this morning and it read from Romans 5, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him."  The incredible thing as I read this passage was how inordinately beautiful I think it is.  The gospel of Christ is beautiful and I never could have seen it that way without God's grace.  I never saw the beauty of the gospel before I gave my life to Christ.  I never imagined I would ever think it truth, much less, "beautiful." 

I stood up to share some of my testimony and immediately I began to shake.  I remember bits and pieces of what I said but am fairly sure that anxiety can "black you out."  For the life of me I am not sure if I said everything that I wanted to say or was clear about the things I did say, so I will continue here.  One thing I thought of that makes His work in me so incredible is that not only do I remain clean and sober, I am forced to deal with reality full force in the face.  I can't numb it.  I can't take a break from it with a beer or a joint.  Reality was something I never could have handled without God, as evidenced by my past.  Reality was something that had hurt me and I never wanted to return to again.  Now, I can not run away from it or I will most definitely lose my life.  I have to say that it does make life hard many times.  It can even cause me to resent people who are able to "take a load off" and escape from the stressors and reality of life.  At the same time I am broken when I see my friends who manage to escape from their entire lives with drugs and alcohol.  They are completely missing life and never giving themselves the chance to think about the ultimate of important things in life: God. 

Something else I will mention here regarding what God has done in my life is what He has done with my heart.  I could never have fathomed that my heart was capable of loving all the people it does.  Not until I committed to a church did I realize that I had finally given God the opportunity to increase the size and capability of my heart.  I have a love for the people in my church that is not from me.  I boast in this in Christ sometimes because the change is a marvel to me.  I ponder it and roll it around in my head.  My old heart never could have fathomed that it would ever be capable of so much love; it was not big enough.  It was so small in comparison and much of what love I did have in my heart I wanted to focus on me, me, me.  I couldn't get enough love from others or myself.  It never felt full.  It had not been miraculously changed by Christ.  

I hope that 10 years down the line my heart is formed more and more by Christ.  As much as I may boast in a change I know too well the selfishness and stubbornness that still resides there.  Embarrassingly enough, I know it so well that at times I have even feared the changes that God is doing in me because I feared that I would lose myself.  I actually feared that my heart would be so changed that it would forget about saving some love for me.  So I am aware of the sad struggle that can creep up in my life even now.  God loves me so much more than I even know how to love myself.  All I need to do is look upon my past to see that there was no other way in this world to love myself other than losing my life to Christ.  I had tried everything.  I had left no wordly ways of self love unturned.  As I sit in church thinking about Romans 5 I am humbled to realize that my sinful nature is still alive and crafty.   

^{Matthew 25} "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.  What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done."

To myself and the Church

My heart is breaking and ripping at the splitting of the people in my church.  Some may say my brokenness and sadness over this appears to be a mental illness.  That, of course, makes me sad but I will not hide how it is affecting me because maybe somewhere someone needs to see it and it will help them not to feel alone.  Maybe it will make it real or serious and that is how it needs to be viewed.

I have been thinking over this split, pondering it in my heart, wrestling over it with God, humbling myself to hear what He has to say to me, beggin for Him to speak and give me wisdom and direction.  James 1: 5-8 "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."
God only knows my heart, I can not even claim to know it myself.  In asking for wisdom, do I believe or am I double minded?  So many people I respect and love are leaving and splitting and are part of the cause of this pain and suffering.   Where have they gone?  Have they abandoned their community because of their inability to be under a preacher with whom they see as weak and perhaps have seen with their own eyes his humanity:: his sin and defensiveness?

I thought today about missions all over the world and planting churches.  I thought about people who consider themselves "spiritually mature" Christians and how that can become something that divides and can become a camel trying to fit through the eye of a needle.  If we were to plant a church in a remote place, say Africa, and set up a leader we feel God has called to lead the people, could we not as "spiritually mature" Christians find worship in that new place, with new Christians, and rookie leadership?  Would we feel that the new, less educated, less seasoned pastor/leader is okay for the "baby Christians" in Africa but would not be suitable for us "spiritually mature" Christians with our education, our years of faith and our access to incredibly gifted leaders that God has used in the states (Keller, Driscoll, Warren, Ferguson ...)?

If you get close enough to ANY leader and ANY church you find problems that will test your ability to worship, your ability to commit to relationships, your ability to serve under fallen and human leaders and your ability to focus on God.  I can not understand why some leaders are called and not others; I can not understand what God is doing, and most of the time may not even like, the people he has placed in the leadership of his church.  I know that Moses was a horrible speaker, yet God chose him to lead His people out of Egypt and slavery.  I know that there are preachers that seem weak and unchallenging, especially when compared to the access we have through the internet to preachers who have been incredibly blessed with a sharp mind, incredible insight and blessed with a large portion of leadership and spiritual prophesy.  I know that sometimes we can leave a service in our small town church and still feel thirsty and hungry.  Then go out and get fed.  Pray for your church.  Get involved in as many Bible studies as it takes, listen to as many sermons as you have to, pray for as many hours as it takes for God to fill your cup, make you full and show you the direction He has chosen for you.  We are blessed to be in this country where we can be glutinous in the resources we have to be fed.  I realize this direction will not be the same for everyone.  God's will is not unilateral: constituting or relating to a contract or engagement by which an express obligation to do or forbear is imposed on only one part, having only one side, occurring on, performed on, or affecting one side of the body or one of its part.  God most often, in His intimate knowledge of you, does not say the same thing to you as your closest friend.  In the end, for every decision, it comes down to you and God.  And I pray that each person's decision is guided and directed by God himself.  


I struggle with the dreams and desires I have for other people and for my church.  I want to see my brother become an amazing man of character and self-discipline.  I want this so much that sometimes I push him and get angry when he is not; I get impatient with his growth and impatient with the work God is doing in Him in His timing.  I feel an urgency.  I feel like I HAVE to do something.  But, again, I have to trust God.  I have to realize that I can not force my brother, or my church leadership, into where I want it to be.  I can leave.  I can give up and go somewhere else that offers me more satisfaction and access to my worship.  I can go somewhere in which I do not have to humble myself under a man who's sins I have seen.  Humility.  That is just it.  I have thought and rolled the concept over and over throughout this.  Humility in myself as a Christian.  Humility in realizing that worship is not about me, it is about God.  It is God's grace and love that allows me to benefit and fill my cup with worship.  Just like forgiveness, I have realized that surrendering is a lifetime thing.  From the sermon today, I began to focus on the areas in which I have unsurrendered and need to surrender again.  The act in itself is painful, it is the dying of self.  It is the dying of our will and our desires and submitting to Gods.  It is an incredible act of trust, faith and love.  That is what I want to give to God throughout this.  I want to surrender and place myself under the authority that, for reasons I don't know or understand, he has placed in my life.  I know that God hears my prayers.  I know that the wisest and most fruitful way to get what you desire for someone or some church is to pray to God for it.  Pray and trust and have patience.  All things, we, and I know my own self especially, do not do naturally and actually have a negative reaction to doing in our sinful hearts.  


Do I believe that the church I attend is handling things the right way? No.  Absolutely not.  Do I believe that one side is better than the other or is handling these big issues of leadership better.  Absolutely not.  But I know God has put a love for me in my heart for the people in my church, those gone and those who remain.  It is not of my own heart but from His that he allows me to love the way I do.  I believe the hurt is so much greater because I loved with a love that was not my own, it was His.  So the heartbreak becomes one of a larger spiritual magnitude.  


I would like to know more about the authority of the church and how God meant for it to work.  I would like to know more about what the Bible says and what the truth is for the proper growth of the church in submission of God's will.  Do I have the desire to be a vigilante?  I believe everyone does, but I suppose that would bring the attention to myself and my works and not His.  How often does God's will coincide with mine?  God so many times likes to use the weak, the neglected and the ill equipped to make his points.  He flips this world's thinking upside down.  He does not always use the strongest.  He shows His glory the way in which He wants to.  I can not tell him how he should show His glory best: who he should put in leadership, what type of worship style our church should adopt, etc.  God WILL be glorified.  The church IS his bride.  To break community as a result of being unable to be under the leadership of any man, whom God has called, whom God has placed and whom God has chosen to use is most often a symptom of my self, but not always of course.  I know from a personal case as I searched for the church where God wanted me for over a year in this Holy City.  Some pastors made me want to shrivel up and die in the pew I disliked them so much; but God used them anyway.  I thought they were pompous and self aggrandizing and arrogant.  God used his sermons to bring me to repentance over an issue that I otherwise would have never even seen though.  

I chose my church because of the people and the capacity I saw for the truth and the people's desire to know Christ in a "real way" not a "Sunday way."  I committed to this town and this church this past year as a result of a Tim Keller community group study.  I never could have known in a million years that the commitment would lead me to the place it has now.  I would not say I am always optimistic, but I could not have fathomed the strife and the loss I have felt thus far in the church He led me to commit to.  God is awesome and I can not wait until He shows me what it was all for.  I am going to stick around and see.  I am going to support, love, encourage and find the ways in which God instructs me to make a change, or shake things up, or say whatever needs to be said.  I will not let Satan's attack on my church cause me to leave the body I have committed myself to.  And, have no illusions, Satan can use Christians to do his work, I believe he has fooled me into doing his work at times and sometimes in my stubborness and willfulness have even led the way to do things that would please Satan and not God.  I am a most sinful and undeserving person.  Satan is using real and serious issues that warrant attention to cause Christ's bride to forget how to love one another covering a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

The word "divorce" had risen many times in my mind in the early stages of this separation.  What grounds does God give us to divorce one body over another?  I don't know.  Someone brought my attention to The Purpose Driven Life again by Rick Warren.  Ironically written by a pastor that I have negative feelings for.  But I was able to find some direction and guidance through the Day 19 through Day 21's bible verses reference in the back of the book.  I am grateful to God for his Word and without this pastor, whom I dislike on a personal level immensely, I would never found what has been so crucial to my ability to cope and grow in the knowledge and relationship from God through this time.  If anyone reads these bible references referred to in Day 19 - 21 I would welcome your thoughts, convictions and insight.

January 1, 2011

January 1, 2011

Feel like I am good enough for the needle pushers, the prostitutes, the addicts and the mentally ill and outcast but not good enough for normal society. Not normal, or good enough, not sure which yet, for “normal” people to invite to interact with them.  Not good enough to be part of a “normal” community, even in the church.  The only place I have felt truly accepted is from the needle pushers, the prostitutes, the addicts, the mentally ill and outcast.  The only times in my life where I have been invited into a community and not felt alone is with the needle pushers, the prostitutes, the addicts, the mentally ill and outcast.  They had to drag me out of rehab because I didn’t want to leave the genuine people I had met there; unable and too tired to hide anymore or blunt their pain.  I cannot even imagine why I am going through this time in my life.  I set out to find a Christian community when I moved to Charleston.  That was my sole and only goal for a community here.  I was going to be “in” community.  I felt like this was something I could do to develop and strengthen my faith and show God how much I appreciated what He did for me.  I was going to try and believe in the church, one of the scariest notions of my life.  I was going to find my support, love, acceptance and validation from the Church community instead of the ones previously stated.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew there would be many failings on my part.  I did not expect the things I have found in the Christian community, both good and bad.  I did not expect how hard it would be to try and become a part of the community.  It hurts me to think of other people that have found it hard to find a community among the church and scares me for those who have not yet gathered the courage to look for a Christian community.  I cannot imagine what God is doing right now in my life but I know He means everything for good.  I do not like the incredible depth of loneliness I have felt for the first time since accepting Christ or the complete insecurity inside His church but I will state that I know God has not moved his eye from me and still completely loves me even though it may not seem that way to the outside or on the inside.  God loves me.  God loves you.  And though I find it hard to believe sometimes, I must: God loves His church.