Letter to a Pastor

Dear Pastor Brewer and Carolyn,

I don't know how to begin this letter.  Go grab yourself a coffee; it's probably going to be a long letter.  I feel so much sorrow and sadness over your leaving but I know that sorrow will be turned to joy in knowing and seeing the impact you will have on the current and future clergy.  I know I will miss your preaching from the very bottom of my heart and in my future trips to LA.  The sorrow I feel over knowing that you are leaving comes from the idea of walking back into Bel Air without "my" pastor.  It's like when you go back to your favorite grade school teacher's classroom, but you know that time has passed and the grade school teacher is no longer there.  There is nothing constant outside of God other than change right :) God called me to LA in 2003, 2 years after I had become a Christian, and I thought it was for other reasons but it ended up that he wanted Bel Air to be my church and you to be my pastor and my friends to be the worship team.  How unbelievably blessed am I?!

You are my first preacher as a Christian and Bel Air is my first church. It was and is my home.  It was my grade school classroom for the last 9 years as I have continued to visit Bel Air yearly and listen to your sermons online every week for years after I moved back to South Carolina.  When I moved to South Carolina from LA I felt like I was going through a divorce (not that I have been through one of those, so maybe I am talking out of my butt with that metaphor) because my heart hurt and yearned so much to be with my church.  It did not help that it has been so hard to connect with a church here in the South and/or have that same assurance that God wants me in a specific church here. 

Every year I come back to revisit LA and my life there the highlight and priority of my trip is always Bel Air Presbyterian.  A year ago I came to LA after my church split and my priority was to come to Bel Air to experience the safety and comfort and encouragement of your sermons and sit in my first "home," my church.  You and I spoke about my church splitting back in Charleston, dubbed "The Holy City."  The ironic "Holy City" of "The Bible Belt."  Being able to fly back to my home church in that difficult time and to have you speak with me and pray for me was such a blessing and gift that I didn't expect above and beyond the wonderful comfort of the sermon, the band and the message.  I remember just being blown away that somehow you remembered me and even characteristics about me.  As you prayed you thanked God for specific characteristics about me, your sister in Christ, and it overwhelmed me with joy, encouragement and a sense of belonging that I so desperately had lost and needed with the fracture in my Charleston church. 

Because I value your advice and wisdom, I believe that had I not spoken with you I wouldn't have had the strength to find another church and get back involved as soon as I did.  My rebellious nature has a tendency to want to give up on the Christian community (even without the pain!). I don't think I will ever forget or be able to rationalize away that God does want me involved in His community because of all the many sermons and the emphasis you placed on Christian community and small group.  You showed me that God does desire me to love his church even if I would rather run outside, grow dreadlocks, become a hippie and commune with nature and call that my church, leaving the American church behind.  I get why people do that.  You have instilled in me the importance of a local church and community in addition to my own personal relationship and time spent with God (in nature as a dirty hippie or whatever.ha).  My life, my faith, my boldness and my perseverance has been shaped by your messages and leading.  I do not know if I would have become the Christian I am today or have the relationship and passion for God that I do without those messages and your leading.  Certainly I would be a Christian and have a relationship with God, but what would I look like without your leading and Bel Air?  Praise to God for Bel Air and your leading; He knows me so intimately well.

I feel like a chapter is closing in my life that I loved so dearly; but I have to hope, as do you, that our most fruitful and closest moments with God may lie ahead of us.  I think everyone grieves the ends of different chapters in their life.  Even in joy, I know I will grieve the loss of my Bel Air pastor as you will the loss of your flock at Bel Air.  I guess we never really lose anything as Christians.  That is so comforting.

I've found the only thing that the only thing that leads to life is Christ.  I've experienced death, spiritually and physically.  I was definitely as close as you could get to it many many times.  In fact, I am sure that the only reason I sit here and write today is because God intervened on every one of those deadly nights.  I desperately, stubbornly and out of complete necessity desire to follow Christ.  I also desperately have a heart for the lost, particularly those in my friends and family.  They are still in the dark with their eyes unopened.  "Making LA the greatest city for Christ" was something I wholeheartedly believed in and I was able to understand and apply that mission on a smaller scale starting with my everyday life in LA and with my lost friends and family.  Do you know how rare it is for the congregants of a church to know what the mission of their church is?  Your messages encouraged me and gave me the strength and instruction I needed to to walk out into the world and live my life for Christ with boldness especially when I was looking so hard for fellow people to support each other in our everyday missions. 

I had always stubbornly refused to be someone else in church than I was in life, and Bel Air still accepted me and spoke right into my life and my mission. If I could spout off at the mouth and be bold in who I was before Christ, then I sure as heck could do the same thing after. I don't think God expected anything less, although I think it surprised the heck out of others. He certainly has a sense of humor about those he chooses.  Sometimes I felt alone in how boldly I wanted to live my life but your teachings and encouragement from the pulpit were used by God to shape me into the boldness with love that I have today.  That last part, "with love," is sometimes the hardest part whether it is because of frustration, judgment, self righteousness or pride and it gets the best of us sometimes.  I am so grateful for your emphasis on loving God and others as our ultimate priority.  I always felt like you spoke the truth, you didn't compromise the Bible, but you spoke it in love.  I hope to emulate that in my life.  Your messages and example have taught me not to compromise my faith or fit the Bible to rationalize my own sin.  Your messages delivered with love and compassion helped me not to fear the Bible and to see it as the word of God and His best for me. 

I realize this letter makes me sound like a saint.  Like I have never fallen short, backslid or rebelliously and knowingly sinned or walked in a way God did not want for me.  Unfortunately I have.  When I go through those times, your teaching reminds me of how much God loves me, that I am His daughter and He is always running out to meet me.  So when I finally learn my lesson; be it from sinning once, or more than once in a particular area, the devil has not been able to condemn me or show me a skewed version of God's love with conditions mostly because of Bel Air or your sermons.  Satan was not able to condemn me too much further than I had already condemned myself :)  I want to obey God because I love Him.  You showed me a God of love. I had been so burned by the church and pastors words before I became a Christian.  God is so crazy.  He knew me so intimately well that he brought me to Bel Air because He knew you were the perfect pastor to show me who He really was.  Other than my salvation experience, there have been few times that God has given me a certainty and absolute knowledge about something.  When I walked into Bel Air the first time in 2003, I experienced one of those times where I knew it was where I was supposed to be. 

I hope you do not worry that by showing me God's love, mercy and forgiveness that I am one who feels I can and should do whatever I want.  That is not what the Bible or you has taught me.  Everything is permitted for me but everything is not good for me.  You fostered the biblical principle of obedience by helping us learn more about God, ultimately causing us to love Him even more.  God used you to open my eyes to the Bible, my forefathers in the faith, other faiths tenants, Greek and Hebrew and who I believe God really is.  I think He has given you insight into that balance of love and strength and Lord that our God is.  I have told you before that I think God made you to be "my" pastor.  You may say, "Well, that is quite narcissistic Jane Ann."  Why yes, yes it kinda is :)  But I believe I am just one soul out of thousands who feel that way about you.  Just like how each person can sit through a sermon and think God intended that message just for them .  More than one ends up feeling that way.  Isn't God amazing?! How does He do that? Sometimes He makes you feel like you are the most special child of His.  Like you must be His favorite.  How great and intimate is His love.

I hope and pray I am able to come out to LA Nov 4 to hear your message and send you off.  I address this letter to Carolyn as well because I am super into the marriage relationship and I know that I owe her a great deal of thanks for being the woman beside you.  And as you like to say, "Behind every good man is a shocked mother in law." ha. I'm sure there were times when her support was the thread holding you in place so you could be our pastor in the hard times you must have experienced and the times when the devil threw everything he had at you and our church.  I pray and hope one day that I am able to be a part of a unity in marriage.  I am going to go on a bit of a rabbit trail here.  When I thought about my wedding, one of the biggest desires I had for that day was to have you preach at my wedding.  I would have gotten married in a shack and rags just to afford to get you to SC, or all my friends to LA.  I am sure you are dying to know why this was so important to me.  When I gave my life to Christ I had no Christian friends.  No one. I prayed God would never let me forget where I came from.  I believe He took away my desire to use drugs and alcohol because he wanted my friends to see His strength through me.  And they did.  They could not believe the change in my life.  They were stunned to see me before them clean and with a light and joy they couldn't describe (because it was of the Shekinah variety of course :) ).  I have been completely open about my relationship with God and shared my faith with them in love.  My heart breaks for their souls.  My best friend, then agnostic, now an atheist, even told me that he got on his knees and tried to give his life to Christ shortly after my incredible and miraculous salvation.  But he said nothing happened, so that was it for him.  He was done with God, and it breaks my heart.  I have yet to see one of my friends give their life to Christ.  That has been a struggle for me to accept and sometimes Satan uses it to attack my faith and cause me to doubt or worse get angry with my friends and think they must not have done something right.  But in the end, I do not know the reason they are still lost.  I just have to trust God with their souls and be the light he has called me to be.  I trust in what I believe so much that I don't have to force it down their throats.  I am so blessed to have these beautiful lost friends still in my life.  So, that is the long explanation of getting to where you come in.  I was determined to get them to sit through at least one sermon with an altar call and everything and the best way I knew how to do that was to get married.  Since you were so important in my walk with God, I really wanted them to experience that.  If I only had once chance to get them to hear the word of God then you were my choice. I desperately wanted you to be the pastor that would get the chance to talk to the people I love so much.  It's amazing how many times I hope for that scenario!  I also planned for my dog to be in the wedding party but unfortunately he passed away this year after almost 18 years.  That dog was a miracle!  I'm getting seriously offtrack here.  But I do hold on to the promise that God 's plans are bigger and better than my own.  I also told my parents that if I died young I wanted you to be the pastor to speak at my funeral.  Such a light topic right?  If I didn't get the chance to share God through you with my friends in a wedding, that seemed to be the only other option.  As I write this letter I realize its not up to me or you to save them and I should probably take half a chill pill.  For the record, I am not a fan of my own death, so I hope the latter doesn't happen. 

Well, I think I have told you everything I wanted.  Rest assured, if I have forgotten something, I am not averse to writing another 10 page letter.  I have no idea where my letter writing gene came from; it has perhaps been over utilized here:)  One of my favorite things used to be writing these big honking letters to God.  That is actually what I was doing when out of nowhere I had a spiritual experience and gave my life to Christ.  You encouraged me to write you if I needed to after we talked and prayed about my church split in Charleston, SC.  Do you know how incredible it is that out of a church as huge as Bel Air you gave me that option?!

I have the tendency to really worry about Bel Air and the pastor that might come after you.  I worry that they will not be preaching with the Bible as the authority because of some of the struggles the Presbyterian USA has wrestled with.  I think our church was a light in a denomination that was starting to compromise.  I pray and hope against that.  You are a beacon of truth no matter how popular or unpopular.  My goal in life has been truth first; I know it is not loving others if I hide the truth out of a fear of rejection or losing them. I pray that Bel Air continues on the path you have led us down. 

I will pray for you and Carolyn and your family.  Colorado! God must really love you. Los Angeles then to Colorado.  Is Hawaii next?  How blessed this school and clergy will be to have you.  Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for letting God use you.  I thank God for pastors and fathers with a good sense of humor.  It is so great to see that characteristic of God in my first pastor.  This next chapter in life could be your greatest yet!  It is so exciting to know that you will be working with clergy considering your past experiences with your father and brother.  You are uniquely gifted, with just the right amount of love, honesty and compassion to make a huge difference as a result.  You know perspectives and the struggles that clergy face that I am sure seminaries believe are too taboo to talk about.  You may know the dangers and difficulties that clergy can fall into and their struggles like no one else.  I am so grateful you will be bringing an honesty to them.  I remember seeing the HBO documentary about Ted Haggard and it broke my heart.  I pray you will be a light in the darkness for many clergy before a problem consumes them.

Thank you with all my heart.

Thoughts from Old Movies (from around 2006 via myspace)

"It's the sense of touch... Any real city- you walk, you know?.. You brush past people.  People bump into you.  In LA nobody touches you.  We're always behind this metal and glass.  I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something."- Crash
This quote one person knows about from my life.  When you move to this city it hurts inside how long you go just without touch.  Babies who are abandoned that recieve touch (usually from geriatrics as a charity) in a hospital have a greater chance of survival and happiness. 

This quote below I believe describes the disease of our communities and intimacy today:
"It is better not to take the chance of asking an uncomfortable question or revealing an affection for another person that may bring unintentioned pain.  It is wiser, I think, to keep silent."- The Weight of Water

A copy of part of a Bio of a Man I Greatly Respect

"During his retreat in the isolated cave, Brennan was once again powerfully convicted by the revelation of God's love in the crucified Christ. On a midwinter's night, he received this word from the Lord: "For love of you I left my Father's side. I came to you who ran from me, who fled me, who did not want to hear my name. For love of you I was covered with spit, punched and beaten, and fixed to the wood of the cross." Brennan would later reflect, "Those words are burned into my life. That night, I learned what a wise old Franciscan told me the day I joined the Order -- 'Once you come to know the love of Jesus Christ, nothing else in the world will seem as beautiful or desirable.' " .......and ....."
From Alabama, Brennan moved to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida in the mid-seventies and resumed campus ministry at Broward Community College. His successful ministry was harshly interrupted, however, when he suffered a precipitate collapse into alcoholism. Six months of treatment, culminating at the Hazelden treatment center in Minnesota, restored his health and placed him on the road to recovery.
It was at this point in his life that Brennan began writing in earnest."

Christian One Night Stand Communities for Some

I realize this statement will probably alienate me more but I am so over worrying about what other people think about me and hoping to eventually be accepted: my overall Christian community since moving to Charleston (whether still a part of our church or part of the split) has felt like a one-night stand; i opened myself up and it felt good for small moments but when it was over, I realized there was no commitment or intimacy there.

I have never felt such insecurity or an increase in my anxiety disorder as I have trying to be a part of a Christian community here.  That is not me and that is not how God made me to be.  I am sure that He doesn’t want His chosen children to feel that way.

And maybe you would say that I or my personality or quirks, problems or inadequacies are to blame and maybe you are right.  I am sure that I am far from a perfect member of a community or body for that matter.  Honestly, I have probably thought about that more than anyone should and it now only fuels my insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and decreased worth. 

I do not feel like that in Christ.  In Christ I feel special and am forever grateful and undeserving of that.  I know that I will not leave the Body or Christ bc of this experience and I know He will never let me go but I worry about the pain it may cause other people who follow me.  Bc this really isn’t about me.  I can throw a pity party and feel bad for myself and send out invitations.  I am sure that I will need to heal from this as well and I may not be the best witness of grace, beauty under fire, etc… But more than anything in this world is that when I feel this pain, I know there are others, maybe just a small number, which feel the same way.  I am grieved for the people that come after me and try to be in community; for the people who I meet with to plant the seed of Christ in, for my non-Christian friends I talk with now and those in the world who may one day open up the window of their souls for the intimacy of Christian community that Christ lays out in the Bible and we ultimately have inborn in our hearts a desire for.

I write this letter in the hopes that one day when we all meet people in the future that we think about the pain and loneliness that even Christians, who are without community can go through.  That rejection can make even a Christian feel suicidal and hopeless. 

The fear in sending this email is overwhelming.  Please forgive me if my pain or bitterness has overshadowed any good that I hoped to achieve here.  Please take this story or leave it.  My fear is that this letter will become something that will make people say, "Oh crap, guess SWF 30 was really out there and not connected."   I really don’t want it to be about me.  I don’t want a campaign to reach out to me or invite me lots of places.  I just wanted to share something that others may not be able to share.  I want to sacrifice any social respect I may have and maybe chances for being a part of this community for others that come behind me.

There are incredible things in store for us as children of Christ.  Everyday is a day for us to realize how much more intimately He knows us than we know ourselves.  It is truly amazing.  I don’t know if I am spitting into the wind here (just had an awesome visual of that) but sometimes I really feel called to display the insecurities that others can’t; and by God’s grace I do not believe everyone experiences these insecurities.  By God’s grace I hope in some small way my story will be used to make emphasize awareness of the power the Christian community can have in someone’s life.

My Honor: “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know"

These are my thoughts so far on what you share about yourself, where and when you share at this point in my life.  I am sure they will be revised, reviewed and re-integrated as the years move along.  Unfortunately, I hope that is not out of the fear of appearing to be the “most unstable person” you will have the privilege of meeting. 

When you put on a mask, compose yourself always as if you have your “shit” together, and in general share nothing about your true self- you deny me and others of seeing Christ work.  Suppose you are a Christian who does not have many close Christian friends: for whatever reason, be it that you are a new Christian, be it that you are not a pleasant person to be around, be it that you have social anxieties, be it that your particular age group has already married or started a family, or be it that it just hasn’t worked out that way since college or high school…. Whatever the reason may be, safe it to say, there may be many people out there in this world that feel the same way. 

Before I was a Christian I used to see this Christian world as a place where everybody did right (or so it appeared), where everybody had great social skills (at least if they were at a “Christian” event), where no one had doubts or struggles that I could even imagine identifying with, where the Christians that you did know the secrets of were hypocrites for the way they acted around other Christians, or where they believed they were so much more in the know that they were the only ones who truly knew how to be good people.  I was told that I did not really know how to love because I was not a Christian (something I do grasp now but at the time was completely horrified by).  I was told that my behavior, not believing in Christ, was an act of rebellion; therefore every thought, insecurity, doubt, belief, or character trait was wrong and ultimately evil.  I cannot tell you how lonely and scarred that will make someone feel who is earnestly trying to find the truth and who God has not yet decided to open His wonderful truth to.  The South is particularly charming in the way that both those in and outside the church strive to display a culture of perfect behavior, conversation, perfectly honed dress and appearances.

Ever since I became a Christian I was so excited to have found the Truth!  I could not believe it.  I had found truth, something I had an incredible longing for and something I could not find easily in the culture, church and people around me.  I had finally been shown the truth of what would inevitably become the only thing that would get me from day to day.  The truth is beautiful, scary, uncomfortable at times, and full of glory. 

When I became a Christian I knew nothing of the church, its community, Christian friends, bible studies and small groups.  These ideas and the things that went on at them were completely foreign to me.  I cannot say that I didn’t already start off as being quite a unique individual as far as the world was concerned.  I was ecstatic about finding the truth, hearing more or it, studying it and becoming closer to it.  I decided to go in with both feet and ask for prayers for the true things that really needed prayer, I decided to push myself to talk about the things that were real struggles with real pain and real (maybe too raw at times) emotions and failures.  This I had not seen before in the Christian world but I knew that it must be the way to really grow in Christ, allow others to see Christ work in you, allow others to see Christ work through their prayers in your life, reach other people who may be too scared to say they struggle with the same thing and too alone to know that they aren’t the only ones who are fighting this battle called life.  This battle, it has real enemies, and they are horrible.  This battle, in which God is bigger than it all and is pleased and glorified to show His work in your life. 

I did this because I love the truth.  I spoke out because I love the truth.  I spoke out because I never wanted any newly Christian person or person that doesn’t have a lot of support or Christian friends to ever doubt themselves as Christians or good people because they only saw these amazing Christians that seemed to have their “shit” together.  I spoke out because I know the power of prayer and that God gets the opportunity to be glorified.  I do get scared.  I sometimes get hurt.  I have sacrificed many times over what people think of me and influenced whether people wanted to spend substantial time around me by this.  I hope this has not been in vain.  I used to believe that God would use me to open people up, help those who hid their pain in secret, show people that you can be as honest as you want and it will not tarnish God’s truth.  You can display your imperfections, doubts, failures, fears and your innermost longings and allow others to be a part of and to see the glory of God work.  I used to feel that people had a fear of sharing because of shame, fear of alienation from others, fear of looking like the person that doesn’t have it all together, fear that God would not be glorified if you told the truth, fear that God would look small and distant if you told the truth of your struggles and circumstances.  I thought this because at times, I have these same fears.  I push through them, maybe for illogical reasoning, I don’t quite know yet because God WILL be glorified and I believe the sharing will comfort someone who is hurting in the same ways or with the same struggles.  I never want one of my non-Christian friends to finally give the church a shot never to come across a “real” Christian (or one willing to take down the mask to reveal they are a real Christian).  I never want that new Christian to feel completely alone in their faith or there church community because of the lack of depth offered by the people around them.  I never want that new (or hell, old even) Christian to feel that they aren’t really a Christian because they feel they struggle with something or have done something that a real Christian would never do.

Anyway, I am more than hear thoughts and feedback by those who know me and those who may not.  Truly, deep down inside I fight incredible insecurities.  Unfortunately, some have developed because I have fought to share the truth because I really believe that is what God has called me to do.  I have been encouraged to stay the course and continue fighting for the truth and the openness of myself as a Christian by people from different groups from different areas of the country.  I admit though that many times I feel really lonely and insecure.  I attribute this to the title I know must be written across my crown “The Most Unstable Person You'll Ever Know.”  Sometimes I delight in this because I know that it is clear to others that I would be nowhere without Christ, other times it causes me pain because I think that people (especially Christian men) choose not to have close contact with or consider me as a possible mate because of the things I share.  The problem I see as I assess what I believe God has called me to be is that because of the pain or loneliness on a human level that results from my sharing, I wonder if my insecurities are just an attack from Satan or if I am only serving to make myself appear completely unstable in relation to others without it doing any good for the church or other Christians.

I always thought my mission field would be outside the church with the people I could relate to, with my old friends and loved ones who were lost.  I never believed in a million years it would be within the church: to open up doors, break down barriers and push so that Christians can feel that the church is a place where they can be themselves and share/ask for prayer for real issues.  Either Satan is attacking me because he knows I am opening up a door in others that will bring much Christian growth and glorify God or I am a fool and have focused on something unimportant with the end result of being the village idiot having shared my true heart. 

I still think some see me as the village idiot but I do believe that others are encouraged to open up more and give their community the chance to see God glorified through them.  If you don’t show others the bad, how can God get the glory for when he works in your heart or changes your situation?  Are we taking opportunities from God to be glorified the more we try to maintain the façade of having it all together?  Are we taking a beautiful witness from our Christian community of growth so we can appear to already have achieved that place of complete sanctification? Do we rob him of the level of glory if our mask has hidden so much that when God works, no one sees it?

have no idea what to do when you get the worst news you can about an old friend

have no idea what to do, where to go, or how hard to try and act ok when you get the worst news you can about an old friend that was with you through some of the toughest years of life. i should not have waited so long to seriously attempt getting back in touch. i had a hope I wanted to share with him, one that changed the course and meaning of my life tremendously. the only reason i share this is bc i never thought that time would never come. time is not a guarantee. so please find the friends of your past that you wonder of and miss from time to time instead of thinking that there will be a day or time for it in the future...

Blacking Out While Telling Your Testimony

Today in Sunday School we had the privileged of hearing the incredible ways God has loved and directed certain people in our church.  My heart has a longing and hunger to know everyone's story.  God is so great. The time was so encouraging and definitely a great way of glorifying God.  When I get ready in the morning for work God gratefully calls to mind the first catechism question.  I think, "What is the chief end of man?"  And then I tell myself "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  I am eternally grateful that God puts these thoughts in my mind, because it encourages me that He is changing my heart. 

I was reading our "Words of Assurance" in the bulletin this morning and it read from Romans 5, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him."  The incredible thing as I read this passage was how inordinately beautiful I think it is.  The gospel of Christ is beautiful and I never could have seen it that way without God's grace.  I never saw the beauty of the gospel before I gave my life to Christ.  I never imagined I would ever think it truth, much less, "beautiful." 

I stood up to share some of my testimony and immediately I began to shake.  I remember bits and pieces of what I said but am fairly sure that anxiety can "black you out."  For the life of me I am not sure if I said everything that I wanted to say or was clear about the things I did say, so I will continue here.  One thing I thought of that makes His work in me so incredible is that not only do I remain clean and sober, I am forced to deal with reality full force in the face.  I can't numb it.  I can't take a break from it with a beer or a joint.  Reality was something I never could have handled without God, as evidenced by my past.  Reality was something that had hurt me and I never wanted to return to again.  Now, I can not run away from it or I will most definitely lose my life.  I have to say that it does make life hard many times.  It can even cause me to resent people who are able to "take a load off" and escape from the stressors and reality of life.  At the same time I am broken when I see my friends who manage to escape from their entire lives with drugs and alcohol.  They are completely missing life and never giving themselves the chance to think about the ultimate of important things in life: God. 

Something else I will mention here regarding what God has done in my life is what He has done with my heart.  I could never have fathomed that my heart was capable of loving all the people it does.  Not until I committed to a church did I realize that I had finally given God the opportunity to increase the size and capability of my heart.  I have a love for the people in my church that is not from me.  I boast in this in Christ sometimes because the change is a marvel to me.  I ponder it and roll it around in my head.  My old heart never could have fathomed that it would ever be capable of so much love; it was not big enough.  It was so small in comparison and much of what love I did have in my heart I wanted to focus on me, me, me.  I couldn't get enough love from others or myself.  It never felt full.  It had not been miraculously changed by Christ.  

I hope that 10 years down the line my heart is formed more and more by Christ.  As much as I may boast in a change I know too well the selfishness and stubbornness that still resides there.  Embarrassingly enough, I know it so well that at times I have even feared the changes that God is doing in me because I feared that I would lose myself.  I actually feared that my heart would be so changed that it would forget about saving some love for me.  So I am aware of the sad struggle that can creep up in my life even now.  God loves me so much more than I even know how to love myself.  All I need to do is look upon my past to see that there was no other way in this world to love myself other than losing my life to Christ.  I had tried everything.  I had left no wordly ways of self love unturned.  As I sit in church thinking about Romans 5 I am humbled to realize that my sinful nature is still alive and crafty.   

^{Matthew 25} "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.  What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done."